Time-Out and Parenting: The Danger of Isolating Children When They Need Us Most
By Andrew Guthrie, Ph.D., TCPP dipl.
Time-Out is a popular strategy used among parents and school teachers for controlling the difficult behaviour of children. It involves removing children from their current environment and the people in this environment, and isolating them for what is usually a brief period of time to enable them to regain control of their behaviour. This can be the child’s bedroom, the corner of the room, or even a “naughty chair.” It is thought that control is established again when the child can cool off and think about the why their behaviour is unacceptable, and that they will avoid this behaviour in the future due to the negative feelings associated with Time-Out, such as being alone, feeling bad, and wishing to please a parent or teacher. Time-Out has become such a popular method for modifying children’s behaviour that its potential negative impact on children’s psychological development has largely been overlooked. I would like to briefly outline some of the negative consequences of Time-Out and offer a strategy which, I have found, better meets the emotional needs of children. This strategy, called Time-In (Weininger, 1998), ultimately leads to children feeling that they have less need to act in inappropriate ways. It also fosters an improved, more communicative and respectful relationship between a child and his or her parents.
The most obvious reason to not use Time-Out is that it usually does not work at alleviating unwanted behaviour.
As a psychotherapist, I come into daily contact with parents of difficult children who have used Time-Out, or have removed something that the child values in order to modify behaviour (this is like a Time-Out for toys or privileges), and most parents have shared a very similar story: Time-Out does not cause their child to change his behaviour, but, in a moment of anger and desperation, parents use Time Out because they don’t know what else to do when their child misbehaves. Some parents have said that Time-Outs make their child angrier with them, and the child then wishes to exact revenge by being even naughtier. Sometimes, children say they don’t care if they have Time-Outs and they come to enjoy being alone in their rooms, and they seem more distant and less caring about the consequences of their behaviour. Other children comply with Time out just to get out of trouble. If these stories are true, and Time-Out is not very effective at alleviating children’s difficult behaviour, then we must wonder why it is still the most popular intervention used by parents when their children are misbehaving. Using my experience working with parents as a guide, answers to this question include
a) Not knowing what alternative strategies are available to help a child when he is feeling upset. b) Using Time-Out because we are angry with a child. Sending the child away helps us calm down and have time away from the child whom we (understandably) can’t stand in that very heated moment. c) On the advice of a professional, we feel that Time-Out will eventually work if we stick with it and stay consistent and firm.
When parents tell me that Time-Out is not working for their child, I suggest that we find a different approach to helping their child when their child is upset, angry, rude or not listening. If something does not work, why not try something else?
The second reason not to use Time-Out is that it may unintentionally teach children lessons we do not want our children to learn.
Most parents send their child to Time-Out so that the child will think about what they did wrong and why it was wrong. Parents want kids to reflect on their actions and apologize to them for what they did.
Although these intentions may be good, I have found that children rarely go through this reflective process and often do not understand what they did that was wrong, or why it was wrong, even if their parents explain it to them.
Unfortunately, children usually do not think very much when they are in Time-Out. Instead, they often feel like they are “bad”. They may feel sad about being alone because they have been bad or because their parents got mad at them, or they may feel very angry at the parents for punishing them. Eventually, children may apologize for what they did wrong, but, what if this apology is not related to the original “bad” behaviour that led to the Time-Out, but has resulted from the bad feelings created in the child as the result of Time-Out? What if children are apologizing in order to be re-admitted into the family to feel “good” again, and not because they understand what they did was wrong, and because they were genuinely sorry?
Therefore, I believe there is a large gap between what parents want their child to learn in Time-Out and what the child actually learns.
Time-Out also shows children that their strong feelings that cause them to misbehave are intolerable to their parents in the moment that they are feeling them, and they are isolated from their parents when they need their parents most to help them with what they are feeling.
Many children are not capable of understanding their strong feelings by themselves. Time-out may short circuit a feeling or impulse in the moment, but without parental intervention (i.e. “Time-In”) that occurs during the child’s difficult behaviour, I have found that the child’s “inappropriate” feeling or impulse will not improve, and it will reoccur, perhaps getting worse over time. Sometimes, Time-Out becomes a vicious circle (angry child= Time Out = angrier child = more Time Outs). Although the parents intended for their child to learn something of value, the child was learning something else that most parents would not want their child to learn.
Time-Out focuses on the child’s behaviour instead of the feeling that led to the behaviour.
When a child behaves inappropriately, most parents speak to the child about why the behaviour was wrong (i.e. “you do not speak that way to mommy because it is rude”), and ask the child to think about the wrongness of the behaviour before promising not to behave this way again. The problem with this intervention is that it addresses the child’s behaviour but forgets about two important things that are crucial to address in order to alleviate unwanted behaviour: the child’s feeling that led to the behaviour and why the child was feeling this way.
Behaviour does not occur in isolation but is always motivated by emotion, and emotion does not arise for no reason, but is always connected to something that has happened before the child was feeling this way. For example, the child told his mother to "shut up" (behaviour) because he was angry (emotion), and he was angry because he felt his mother was ignoring him (situation).
While Time-Out does address the outside behaviour, it does not examine the inside feelings or motivations. As the motivations and feelings are not addressed and examined, they do not change but remain as they are. Therefore, the behaviour does not change and will occur again, until the child’s feelings and situations that led to these feelings are explored between the child and his or her parent.
An example from a different field may help us understand this concept: A person consults a doctor about their hand which has turned bright red with white spots, and the doctor treats this with skin cream, puts on a band aid and sends the patient home. The patient returns one week later saying the rash has not changed, and the doctor puts on more cream, a new band aid, and sends the patienhnt home. Nothing changes. This doctor has overlooked something important when trying to understand what is wrong with this patient: he has neglected to look for internal, unseen reasons for the rash, and has treated just the outside symptom. As the internal cause for the red hand was not recognized and treated (i.e. a problem with blood circulation), the external symptom did not improve.
I am suggesting that Time-Out is a very temporary solution that treats only the outside symptom of the child’s difficult behaviour, without looking for the internal source of the problem, and this is why it does not work and children’s symptoms do not improve.
Time-In
Instead of isolating children when they are not behaving well, or withdrawing toys or privileges as a way of creating a compliant, respectful child, Time-In considers children’s misbehaviour as a message to the parents that the child requires the parent’s presence, not absence when they are misbehaving. For example, if a child tells his mother to “shut up”, the Time-Out model might consider the child’s behaviour as motivated by the child’s anger and wish to show the parent who is boss, be in control and dominate the parent. The parent would probably feel angry, but also that it was deeply wrong that their child could say this to them and get away with it without punishment.
In contrast, the “Time-In” model would see this child’s behaviour as motivated by anger, but also by a need to have the parent understand and help them with this anger. Anger tends to be directed towards those whom we hope can respond to our anger in a way that will help us be less angry. This model would see “shut up” as also meaning “I need you to help me know why I’m mad so I don’t have to say shut up.” Most children cannot learn this by themselves, in isolation through self-reflection, but require their parent’s presence and wisdom to calm down and be able to think about their feelings and what went wrong. It is assumed that children want to love their parents and be “good”, but that sometimes their strong feelings and impulses take over these good intentions and make them behave badly. I know of no child who enjoys being “bad”; most children feel deeply remorseful about their bad behaviour, even if they deny that this is the case. If we approach children with this different attitude – that they are “asking” for our help when they misbehave – then it may help parents remain calm, thoughtful and empathic when their child is upset, and respond in a way that meets the need of the child to communicate in words what it really bothering them. This is Time-In.
“Time-In” occurs when parents see a child’s misbehaviour as an opportunity for communication, not isolation. If a child is not listening to you when you ask him to do something, but is starting to yell and even throw things the more that you ask, you can approach the child while trying to remain calm, and talk softly to the child about how you can see that child is angry right now with you, and that it is ok to be angry with you, and that maybe if you talk about it, or spend some time together, the child will feel less mad and more able to comply with your wishes.
Validating the child’s feeling of anger, even if you see things differently, is the main work of a Time-In, and also explains why Time-In is an effective parenting strategy.
During a “Time-In” you can say that you will figure out together what is going on, and that the child is not feeling good right now and you want to help make things better between you. The child may be able to talk now about why they are mad, and you can listen and talk to your child about what they are feeling. This usually helps the child become less angry, feel more understood and therefore more close to the parent, and the child is then more able to listen and comply. Even if the child is “wrong” and is not being rational, his or her rational and in control parent will help the child slow down and think about what they are feeling and doing. Children need our adult skills at handling feelings in order to learn to handle their own, and being with our children when they are upset shows them that they are not bad but are having feelings that need to be discussed, and that their feelings are important and valid from the child’s point of view. This leads to a child who feels his feelings are recognized and respected (even if not agreed with completely), and one that is more in control of their feelings and actions, which facilitates the relationship between parent and child and brings families closer together.
What if I try Time-In and my child gets more angry and aggressive, or pushes me away?
You can calmly say that you see that the child is feeling very out of control and obviously needs your help in that moment. If the child is hitting you, try holding their hands while talking to them about what you think they are feeling, emphasizing that you are ready to listen to the child talk about it instead of hit about it. If aggression continues or increases, please contact me for information on how to physically hold your child. Remember that the calmer you are and the more you can communicate this calmness to the child, the faster your child will become calm and be able to talk about what is really bothering them.
Won’t Time-In spoil children?
No, Time-In does not spoil children, nor will it lead to a child feeling that they can get away with more things or take advantage of their parent’s kindness. Time-In does meet children’s normal and developmental need to turn feelings into words by talking about them with someone who is wiser and more in control. Turning feelings into words is an effective way of ensuring they do not become actions.
